self portrait thursday: ugh
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| am i still there? |
aka where I have a look inside my head to see what's kicking around in there today.
Today .... well I'm going to riff (a little, well probably going off at a tangent) off Amber's Crafting My Life Thursday posts which have been 'theme-ing' on support and relationships and dreaming your dreams, during September.
Well ..... I have my dreams, and they're as subject to knock-downs, lacks of confidence, doubt and plain old fear as the next SAHM. Just when you're getting to grips, convincing yourself that you can make it a reality, a big old knock down comes along. In my case, it's usually a lack of support that delivers the biggest K.O. to my psyche. I scuttle back into believing that nothing I do will ever amount to much and I'll be stuck in my miserable, unfulfilling existence of unappreciated domestic servitude.
With a widespread base of support, failures are easy to ignore and probably don't crap you out that much. My trouble is that I have such a very small support network and failures hit hard. In contrast, my sister, who is battling a much larger subset of demons, has a very enviable, widely spread support base, of which I am truly jealous (honest!). She has a varied group of friends, work colleagues and online acquaintances who she can draw on for strength. They rally round her, and I'm sure around each other when needed. She has a real gift for making friends and keeping them, whereas I am Norman No Mates because of my hermit-like tendencies to retire to my cave to lick my wounds.
Sadly I've always preferred to muddle through things on my own, which only works when you are in fact on your own. Although family can be a great support network, when you feel let down there's really no getting away from it :( and lack of support translates into a lack of confidence in what you're doing ... and so on .... Hence, the need to cultivate a larger support network .... and stop wasting time mulling over it when it goes wrong.
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| re-inventing myself |
But what to do, what to do? I feel like a mercenary going out to seek recruits for my support network. I'm not the greatest of pals (but I'm not completely boring either). I'd rather have occasional coffee dates than a deeply meaningful bonding weekend together. I like company but I also like time alone. Am I 'friend' material? Do I need to reinvent myself.
Coincidentally, I've solved another of my support conundrums with after-school care two afternoons a week.
If I can buy childcare support, can I rent out some friends too?
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| or fading away? |
