self portrait thursday: a snapshot of a not very great day

Being in celebration of the Etsy Self Portrait Thursday challenge where a bunch of Etsy sellers indulge in online vanity by taking pics of themselves

Today I have been mostly feeling frustrated.
Which makes me feel crap.

I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
I feel like I'm too old to get anywhere.
I really worry that I've left it too late.

I have no job, no pension, no career - at 45 I should not be where I am today.

I'm tired of bending myself round family and parenting, trying to find the path thru it all. I'm really tired of trying to forge my own way.

I'd like a role model. I'd like a pre-made roadmap. I'd like ti handed to me on a goddam plate!
I'd like to find other older mothers, immigrants with no employment history here, making a return to a more purposeful, satisfying existence in, around and in spite of their families. I should stop comparing myself (unfavourably) with younger women who don't have the same "end of life" urgency about clawing their way back to work. They have their own set of concerns and demons but time isn't running out for them in the way I feel it is for me. They have age/time on their side, as well as domestic employment history, network, qualifications, work experience ... family.
I'd really like a role model to show me it's all possible, or to quietly tell me to stop bashing my head against the wall and give up.

Right now, emigrating has cost me far more than I've gained.
I've lost my family, my friends, my home, my career ... my network was left behind. I didn't step from one job into another, with its ready network and camaraderie and anchorage. I can't step easily into the profession I qualified for. I've now been unemployed for too long to easily step into any job.
I'm not finding it easy.

Would I have done it differently if I had realised how much was at stake, how much I would have to give up?

Yes.
I would not be here now. The price is too high. The rewards don't compensate. I'm losing the belief that I can make It happen for me here.
But I'm stuck.

Ugh!
It's just 'one of those days'.
It's just one of those many days.