I've been asked out by my daughter's sexy ex but should I date him? - Daily Mail

By Rowan Pelling

Last updated at 10:58 PM on 28th August 2011

My 26-year-old daughter has always brought her male friends home to meet me. Several years ago, she sometimes came round with a man 12 years her senior who she was keen on, but it never turned into a romance.

He and I always got on brilliantly and my daughter used to say he fancied me (I was divorced from her dad 15 years ago). Now he's contacted me out of the blue asking if I would like to go on a date.

He's the only man I have fancied since my husband left. My son says my daughter will understand if I accept, since she now has a partner, but I fear it will lead to a serious rift. What should I do?

Confused: One reader is concerned what will happen if she starts dating her daughter's former boyfriend (posed by a model)

I would ask you a question in return: how much you want to risk crushing your daughter's self-confidence, or losing her trust in you? You were privy to her emotions and private hopes concerning this man, as well as her disappointment when he didn't return her feelings.

Furthermore, she suspected at the time that he was more attracted to you and even mentioned this fear to you. The fact that she now has a 'nice boyfriend' won't much cushion the humiliation and sense of betrayal if you start dating the man who rejected her.

Two years may have passed, but that's not a very long time in emotional recovery land. Indeed, even if she were engaged to be married, she would feel cross with you for reminding her of the past. If you were her sister, there might be a tiny bit of room for negotiation, as sisters expect a degree of mutual competition. But no woman anticipates having to compete with her own mother for love.

Even if your daughter were to show superhuman forbearance and say she didn't mind, I can guarantee you it wouldn't be the truth. Imagine how she would feel turning up at family events if you were there with a man she once found so attractive.

It's a curious thing, but the memory of rejection and humiliation long outlives the memory of desire.  Indeed, I barely have a female friend who doesn't harbour some kind of niggling resentment against any man she truly adored who didn't adore her back.

The memory of the hurt is suppressed and new love and everyday life closes the wound — but all it takes is the unexpected appearance of the offender in your orbit for the wound to be opened again.

Yes, we all have to be grown up enough to present a civil face. But should you really be expected to do that if the person who rejected you in the past reappears with your mum? Even if everyone behaves with generosity and grace, you will lose some precious closeness with your daughter if you date this man.

I know a man whose divorced father dated one of his close female friends and it really perturbed my friend. He said: 'There's several billion women on the planet and dad has to go out with a girl I've always liked. I've tried to be cool about it and to go: "So long as you're happy, that's great." But something has changed between us; there's an edge of embarrassment there now.'

The fact you've written to me shows you're not convinced by your son's protestations that your daughter won't mind. You need to ask yourself whose advice you would normally take about complex emotional issues: your son's or your daughter's?

I adore my brothers, but when it comes to potentially hazardous family crosscurrents, I'll go to my sisters first for counsel. Try to imagine what your daughter would say if you asked her directly whether she would mind if you date this man. I say 'imagine' her response, because I think you should solicit her opinion only as a last resort. Your bond with you daughter is going to survive best if you don't make her privy to your dilemma.

You say that since your divorce, you haven't met anyone you have fancied except this friend of your daughter's. But have you really looked? There's any number of online dating sites, catering for all ages and tastes and forging thousands of successful partnerships. Couldn't you look for love elsewhere?

If, after mature reflection, you honestly still believe that this man represents your one and only chance for long-term happiness and that you can never find his equal elsewhere, then you must talk to your daughter (make sure you do this before going on any dates). Do not pressure her into being a martyr who has to say: 'Oh, I don't mind.'  

Make it clear that you want to know her real thoughts and assure her that you will try to be guided by them. If you show proper consideration for her feelings, she will be likely to show proper consideration for yours. Above all, remember that you barely know this chap and have no guarantees any relationship will work.

Passion can prove fleeting, as you know, while your relationship with your children lasts a lifetime. You would be foolish to put such a strong bond at risk.

29 Aug, 2011

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